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Hey friend,

Let's Be Honest...

You’ve probably done it.

A retreat in Costa Rica.
A cold plunge that made your ancestors shiver.
You burned sage, journaled your pain, and told your inner child it’s safe now.

All in the noble pursuit of finding yourself.

And yet you’re still anxious. Still stuck. Still wondering if maybe the next breathwork session will finally crack the code and boom, you’ll finally “know who you are.”

I’ve got good news and bad news.

The bad news?
You’re never going to find yourself.

The good news?
There’s nothing to find.

The Myth of the Self

Somewhere along the way, we bought the story that there’s a “you” hidden deep inside, like a spiritual Fabergé egg just waiting to be discovered under the rubble of your unresolved trauma and Amazon self-help purchases.

The industry sells this well:

“Heal more, integrate more, affirm more and eventually, your True Self™ will be revealed.”

But let’s take a beat.

Has any version of your “ideal self” ever stayed consistent for more than 6 months?

We reinvent our identities with every career shift, relationship status change, or dietary phase.

(Former CrossFit guy turned gentle somatic healer, anyone?)

And if that “you” can shift so easily…
What exactly is it that you’re trying to find?

Neuroscience Has Entered the Chat

Let’s pull a thread here.

The “self” as we know it isn’t some fixed, discoverable entity.
It’s a narrative - constructed post-fact by the brain to make sense of experience.

In neuroscience, this story is orchestrated by the Default Mode Network - the same system that kicks in when your mind wanders and you start mentally rehearsing arguments with people you haven’t seen in years.

It stitches together memory, prediction, and identity like a 24/7 internal PR firm.

But here’s the thing…

• Studies show that thoughts, decisions, even intentions arise before your conscious awareness of them.
• The brain makes moves, and the mind writes the press release after the fact.

Translation?

“You” are not in control of “you.”​
​You’re the witness of a process playing out in real time.

Which means: the “you” you’re looking for…
Is the one looking.

The Great Flip

Let’s pivot from all this intellectual foreplay to the liberation:

You are not the self.
You are what’s aware of the self.

You're not the player trying to find the character.
You're not even the character trying to level up.

You’re the screen the whole game is playing on.

The longer you chase identity, the more you entrench the illusion that you’re a thing to be located, healed, or upgraded.

And ironically - the more spiritual you become about it, the trickier the trap.

You don’t need to find yourself.
You need to stop clinging to the idea that you’re something that can be found.

What to Do With This?

Let’s land the plane in practical terms:

1. Stop chasing “wholeness”
​You’re not a fixer-upper project. You’re awareness itself, already whole — just clouded by stories.

2. Shift from self-improvement to self-inquiry
​Instead of asking “How can I become more… [confident, productive, aligned]?”
Ask: “Who is it that wants to be more?”

That question has no answer. Just space. And that’s the point.

3. Catch the seeking impulse in real-time

Every time you think, “Maybe I just need to read one more book…” pause.
Notice the mechanism of the seeker.
Then let go.
You’re already what you’re looking for.

Here’s the uncomfortable truth:

“Finding yourself” is just a more enlightened version of chasing status.

It sounds spiritual, but it's still rooted in lack.

You don’t need to find yourself.
You need to stop believing you’re missing.

Because the self you’ve been chasing was just a mirage - a well-lit, well-marketed illusion.

And when that chase ends?

What’s left isn’t emptiness.
It’s freedom.

Nic

PS. Ready to be free? Join the Neuroscience of Change - an online program rewiring what’s really running you. Name your own price (Pay What You Can) to get your hands on this powerful program.

PPS. Reply this email with one word as an indication that you got it and will apply it.

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